After keeping a journal dedicated for my thoughts and emotions that often times become too burdensome to handle, I thought it would be nice to share some of my journal entries over the course of 2015:
“I don’t wanna kill myself. I wanna kill the part of me that wants to kill myself.”
“I don’t take my meds to fix me, because there’s nothing wrong with me. I take them because everyone else is crazy and I need to fit in.”
“She got quieter, her nights got longer, her eye-bags got droopier, her sleeves got longer, her meals became smaller, she became lighter, her music got louder, and no one noticed.”
Here’s a message to gracefully end 2015:
2015 was a storm, a tide I could see from miles away. It was a horror show, a chaos, a mess I could only helplessly watch as it came closer and closer to consume me. I stood there and planted myself in the sand as I saw the wave build up and rush towards the shore.
Yes, it was a hell of a year. Now, marking the last day off the ’15 calendar, I am torn down, knocked out, exhausted and breathless. My hair and clothes are soaked and my feet that I buried deep to prepare for the inevitable storm are bare and cut. But then I realize, I’m still here. The tide beat the crap out of me and I’m on the ground, but just maybe, the ground is a little firmer and the once again tamed water is a little more glittery. The post-storm of a sky is clearer and I am left with only the essentials I need to build new things. All the debris, the broken glasses and litter, is washed away.
So I thank you. Every person I met, every relationship I built, every smile and laugh and tear that coloured my year. Every prayer I sang, every last bit of courage I mustered up, every disappointment and frustration that shot me down. I got through it all, and yes, it was a lonely fight, but in the midst of a storm one always finds an epiphany and for me, I was reassured that I have a strong unwavering hand holding me tight as I battle each gush of wind and each drowning wave. Faith shines brighter when lights flicker, and He who is my shepherd lights me a way when things are dark.
Kudos to my loud crowd who ceaselessly rooted for me! My family, friends, teachers and mentors, and my people. Words do not suffice – I love you all and thank you!
They say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Well… I’m not dead. Here’s to becoming stronger and to a 2016 filled with hope, blessings, love, peace and beautiful memories. Now I am left with a naked shore and a handful of pebbles to skip stones with. Let’s see what wave these stones will build up in 2K16. My knees will collapse again, I admit, but they are strong enough to stand up again.